10 things I Absolutely Hate About France

Posted: Thursday, 10 January 2013 by Mark Kinnon in Labels:

Today was supposed to have been so very different, I was going to be taking a skibike newbie on a guided tour around part of the Portes du Soleil. Even worse, for the first time in weeks there was lovely fresh soft snow falling up in the mountains. But I couldn't, because I was expecting a pair of skibike foot pegs, sent last week to have arrived by now, well done La Poste.
So I am afraid today the gloves are off and at the risk of offending my French skibiker chums here are 10 things about France that really get my back up.

1. Je me suis desolet monsier - Actually I'm not the least bit sorry I can't help you, I just can't be arsed, plus any of the reasons listed below.

2. You can't get anything done - Because; it's too early, it's lunchtime, it's too late, it's a public holiday, it's Le Weekend, we're all out on strike, we're French and you're English.

3. People won't form an orderly queue - And there is always a huffy woman who thinks because she blessed the world with a foul petulant mini me, should still be at the front even though she's just arrived.

4. Creating French words to avoid Le Franglais - Would downloader (inf.) instead of telecharger really be so bad? And then to compound matters the French do my next next hate.

5. Using "super cool" English words - Then when I pronounce it correctly in English instead of putting on a faux Inspector Cluseaux accent, that means I don't speak French any more right? So now you have to stop and find the one colleague who can "understand" English. You lot choose to call it "Le Big Mac", "Le Flat Rate", "Le Big Potatoe" and "Le Weekend" so deal with it mes braves.

6. Charging as much to use a Motorway as the vehicle uses in fuel - I pray that the Dutch, Germans, Belgians and Luxembergers don't get any bright ideas or I won't be spending money in their motorway filling stations either.

7. Did I mention how everything stops for lunch - Well I'll mention it again, you only started 3 hours ago, what is it, are you all diabetic? And for two hours, what are you planning a Royal banquet? And why do you all have to stop at exactly the same time? How about introducing a bit of "Le Flexitime" and getting out of the 19th Century?

8. Masculine/Feminine - So a table is feminine right, ok, so where are its sex organs then, is that how you make little tables in France, just insert the knife (masc.) here Monsieur RosBif.

9. Driving like your pants are on fire - Wherever you are going will be closed for lunch, so what's the rush buddy? And if you're going to be a complete arse, just fcuking overtake me, don't sit on my back bumper with main beam on.

10. Driving without any indications - I expect French drivers to do stupid shit, so why not at least give some indication. Do you think the GB sticker on the boot means mind reader, you bunch of muppets.

I am just an immigrant in this fine country and I do really like the place

Of course I am just an immigrant in this fine country and I do really like the place. I certainly don't think that everything "back home" is superior otherwise I would spend more time there and less here.